MID TERMS ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s just too gud 2 be tru!!!! i mean,,, really!!!!!! ever since i came back,, its been HELL…. i dont get enuff sleep.. 2 much work and jetlag…. gawd.. i had 9 hrs of sleep in 3 days!!! i looked lyk a zombie in school… hahah!! but seriously… it was really hard… but goin back home in the Philippines was all worth it… i think..
it was fun–at first… the hard part was leavin… dammit!!! it was sad… i mean,, i dont know wen im goin 2 see dem agen… probably 5 years from now… dats hard.. bcoz i grew up with those pipol.. wen i first got hir 2 yrs ago,, i think i had insomnia…. not bcoz i had jetlag,, but bcoz i keep on thinkin about them… its just hard to accept the cold hard fact that its a different life now.. dat is never goin 2 be the same ever agen.. EVER…it took me 2 years to move on and adjust to everything.. and wen i went back der,,, its lyk nothing happened..i felt lyk i never went hi in US.. i felt lyk everything was a dream.. more lyk a nytmare.. but now dat im back hir,,, i feel lyk that was a dream dat never happened.. and now,, im back at square one… 2 years of tryin 2 move on and all those draggin-myself-to-be-orayt all went 2 waste.. sumtyms,, i think about it and i get all messed up… wat do i really want?!?! go back der and take d risk of putting my life back 2geder,, or stay hir and play it safe?!!?!?!?! dammit. this is one of those moments wen i realize dat life sux… i mean,,i cant go back now… i cant throw everything my parents had worked for.. but i cant stay here all my life either… i grew up der,, and hell, im goin back.. its hard to move on,, and convince urself dat,, dis is it.. no turning back.. just hav 2 deal with… just wen u thought u got everything figured out,, ur future,, friends,, and even plans for ur whole lyftym…and u found those pipol u know ur goin to be with for a really long tym,, (after all those damned searching) u find out u have to leave,,, and go sumwer only hell knows wer….. some 12 000 freakin miles away!?!?!? how am i suppose to go on with life knowing that this world is not for me!??! sumtyms i think i just dont belong hir,,, and i wanna scream,, run down the street and tell everyone how fucking hard it is to do live life this way!?!?!? its lyk im wearing this gawd dammit mask,,, trying to hide everything inside for 2 freaking years?!!??!?! putting up this big smyl,, being a crackhead,, wen i feel lik everything’s tearin me up inside?!!?!??! i remeber those tyms i made promises that “yeah,, i’ll be with you no matter wat..” but hell no,,, im miles away from them,, and cant even do anything to make them feel better wen theyre down… i hate pipol breakin promises,, and now,, it just made me hate myself even more..
i hear my sister and my brother cryin sumtyms… (actually,, just last nyt..) and i try not to do the same fucking thing… i mean,, wats the use?!?! ive been there,, dats wat ive been doin for 2 years..and it didnt do anything…. if there’s one thing ive learned in all these,, its dat tears dont do anything,, they just make life messier… and once u start it,, it wont stop… but another think dat ive learned.. more important than that,, is dat holding eveything inside for a long tym is not good… i proved that gawd damned ryt..
shit!!!! wat the hell am i doin!?!?!?!?!?!??! but i gotta admit,, after 2 years of holding that back,, it feels good to at least lessen this fucking-gawd-damned thing im feeling ryt now.. i swear,, i try to put it behind me,, but its NOT THAT EASY…