This is definitely one of those moments i am sincerely thankful for myspace. Bcoz of it, no one is EVER on xanga. And this means less people can read this, the only ones that care, i guess.


 


…As for now I’m gonna
hear the saddest songs


and sit alone and wonder…


 


Have you ever felt like there’s another whole person inside of you, a huge part of who you are and of your past, that no one can ever know about? EVER?


Have you ever felt like no one knows you at all? That everyone thinks they’ve got you all figured out, but they have NO clue who you are? Or even half of who you are?


Have you ever feel like you can’t talk to anyone about anything?


Have you ever felt like you’re losing everyone around you? That slowly, you’re being left behind? Alone?


Have you ever felt the worst feeling of disappointment and hurt in your life? No really, the worst degree you can EVER imagine?


Have you ever felt all these things… on your birthday? On that one day you actually look forward to despite everything?


And after all the anticipation, life throws you these things?


Yeah i know. You’ve all heard of this before. But really. Has any of these happen to you? Anyone? Coz, please, speak up.


 


So keep the blood in your head
And keep your feet on the ground
If today’s the day it gets tired
Today’s the day we drop out
Gave up my body and bed
All for an empty hotel
Wasting words on lower cases and capitals



I was right not to look forward to this day. I mean i get it, i was born, everyone’s happy, lalala. The moment i walked into school, all expectations were low. Really, i didn’t expect anything. I didn’t want to. And no, nothing material, nothing special. I just wanted to get through this day. But when those amazing people made me feel like, “yeah, i should be happy.”,  i tried, and lo and behold, i made it. i got through it. it even felt like i was happy. Maybe i was. For a few moments. Then i got pumped up for the day, i got excited. And then it came crashing down. again. I swear, i try to do everything in life right. I really do. But why does every single happy moment in my life has to end like this? Life is just plain cruel. I try not to think this way, but it just doesn’t stop, does it? ever? But why RIGHT after those times when i actually am happy?


It’s just a matter of things that happened, and didn’t happen, i guess.


 


I’m not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??
You can’t stop me from falling apart…


 


Of all days all these things can crash to my mind, life picked this day. This day when i was decided nothing would go wrong. I mean, i didn’t try to make things go perfectly, but like i said, i just wanted to get through it. So let’s go. let’s break this down.


This person everyone sees is not all that i am. There is so much more. I feel like i’m split into two and there are certain people who see the first half, and there are other people who see the second half. I don’t think anyone knows me fully. AS A WHOLE. And no, it’s not anyone’s fault but mine. yeah of course i’m the one to blame. i never show the whole me. Or maybe because i’m scared of how people would react. And i don’t’ do it on purpose and deliberately hide it from them. It’s just that only half of me naturally emerges on the surface, leaving the other half hidden beneath. Like i said, my fault. And even though some people would think “so come on, let us get to know the full you.” (at least i hope so) i feel like things got so completely out of my control now, that if everyone gets to know me and that part of me, it would totally change who they think i am, and most probably change the way they see me. So now, i can’t do anything but continue this way, i guess.



Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me


 


And consequently, i can’t talk to anyone, openly, about ALL of the things i go through. And the only person i can talk to seems so far away, and that person’s a HUGE part of all of my misery right now. And i feel like there is NO ONE i can run to. I mean yeah yeah every depressed teenager says this, but fuck, half of them don’t get what they’re saying. Coz if i do tell this to someone, that means unveiling all of who i am, and like i said, i can’t do that. not yet, at least…i hope. If i do talk to someone, this means i have to tell that person about my whole being, my ENTIRETY. And no, i’m not ready for that. coz honestly, i’m scared, , of what i would say, of what they would say, and of what they would think.  Maybe i’m overreacting. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. But, what if? I’m taking any chances, coz in a way, i’m happy with how things going are right now.


 


Well there’s a secret I’ve been perfecting,
i swore i wouldn’t but you let me
i’m comfortably confused
You’ve gotten so removed



And disappointment and hurt? Again, of ALL days, it came on april 25th. There has always been this hope inside me, growing, but i know it would never happen. But what happened just hit me with the harsh cold reality that no,  it can’t happen. It told me to just let go, and stop hoping. Stop holding on to it. and of all days i can learn that, of all days life cant kick me down when i already hit rock bottom, it just had to be april 25th.


 


I stay wrecked and jealous for this
For this simple reason I


Just need to kepp you in mind
As something larger than life


 


So why am i all just doing this now? Why not on that miraculous day, 4-25? Let’s just say i was trying to see the good things, and trying to ignore all of the negativity. I was in denial i guess. I was trying to smile and be happy and have fun. I didn’t want to ruin it for myself. And now, haha, it’s over, now i can ruin it. after everything sank in, after i let my mind, my heart, and shit my whole being, process all these things, i just began realizing what i truly am feeling.


 


Maybe when i’m done with thinking
Maybe you can think me whole.
Maybe when i’m done with endings
This can begin, this can begin.

As much as i wanna say to those people who asked “so did you have a happy birthday?” that yeah i did,
it was great, the best, i couldn’t. don’t get me wrong, it didn’t stop me from lying and saying, “yeah it was kinda
fun”, but i did drop a couple of “that has got to be the worst bday ive ever had” and it wasn’t because i didn’t do
anything. It’s nothing material -’m not that shallow. I’m still thankful for those who gave me a happy bday. Or
at east ried to give me the concept of a happy birthday. I really appreciate it. (all details in the previous entry..?)

 would you like to forget
drop everything, start it all over
well, drop everything start it all over


 


I really believe life is just a huge compilation of stories. And i guess every event is one story. And of course we all learn something from every story right? There’s always a moral lesson. I guess this is one of those times that you look back to years from now. And you say, “yeah, i learned it the hard way.” So, what did i learn this time?


Fuck i don’t know.


 


 Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can’t take this feeling anymore


 


ehhhhh we’re all entitled to sucky birthdays once in a while.


 


At least I feel better now, after letting it all out.

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2 thoughts on “

  1. hello.i knew there was something wrong that Wednesday. and Tuesday, actually. like when i saw you at your locker that morning, i was like CRAP! SHE’S HERE I CAN’T DO ANYTHING WHILE SHE’S HERE! then i saw your face and that you weren’t so excited and i started freaking out. i mean, it’s your special day. yours alone. and you really weren’t happy. and you know, your previous post wasn’t very happy, either. i could tell there was something wrong. like, you weren’t really “excited”…you hardly had any exclamation points… and i could just tell by reading that that you weren’t happy at all.you know. i’ve told you this before like a thousand times. and i wrote it on your card (which to me at first, really didn’t make any sense… and i wrote it. like my first 2 lines or so were screwed up). i am here for you just as much as you’re there for me. i know that i might not answer my phone at like 2am if you need to talk, but like i said before, i hope you still know that i’m right here. just because he’s constantly in my head doesn’t mean at all that you guys, as my friends, especially you who knows and understands me the most, are there too. yes, i still do care. yes, i’m still here. i’m right here. i don’t know if you believe me or not, but i’m really here. if you ever need to talk. you always can’t be the one who feels that you can handle anything. i know you “counsel” people with there problems. i do too. like Andy, Emily, Lindsay, Monica… and you KNOW that i have my moments when i also need someone to talk to about my own problems. him this him that, i told you. if you ever want to talk about you, then do it. i really won’t mind. i’ve said this before and again, i don’t think you believe me, but i still care. i really do. other than that whole thing up there that you just typed up, i know that there’s something wrong that’s even deeper than that whole issue…….call, email, text, write a letter.i need to stop or else i’ll be late for the play…

  2. hey nella. i feel the same way. a lot. its true we are all entitled to feeling bad and stuff, but its different. im not sure why, but i feel like i cant never let anyone know how i really am, or the whole me. you know what its like too. it puts me up for more severe rejection. i think we try and protect part of us.

    we all have our deep secrets that we are afraid to tell anyone in fear of being judged. so we deal with them inside. things dont go our way, and it sucks.  i know when your sad, some of the nice things people say to you seem like lies, false words to make you happier, and maybe even pity words. trust me- i have been there too many times. isnt it weird how we cant bring ourselves to say the things that we are TRULY feeling? if people ask us things, we lie and say false things. i hate myself when i do those things. after we say those things, we know it wasnt true and want to take it back, but sometimes we dont. we have a feeling of lying and guilt, but why do they have to know everything?

    we sometimes like the reaction people give us. maybe its the feeling of attention? im not really sure. we put on happy faces when we are sad and think no one else has ever felt this way. they dont understand. the things that go through our heads are crazy. things we think, make sense to us. i dont want to go into detail on this post….but maybe you understand what im hinting at. or else i’ll feel a bit stupid.
    you have a lot of friends that love you and who would do anything for you. (JENN :] ) i know that im not one of your closest, but i have been down this road. constantly. and its a harsh path to take. if you EVER want to rant, rave, scream, cry, laugh, lie about something then totally turn around and say “i just lied” and tell the truth, eat cake, eat ice cream, ride a bike, sing sad songs, sing happy songs, dance, or anything, i am always here for you. anytime. day-night-snow-sun.
    and i really hope this comment didnt make me sound like a dummy.

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