seriously.. does anyone read these things?

I
don’t know why or how I didn’t take the time and effort to say anything
about the 4 best days of my life. Procrastination, laziness…Take your
pick; it wouldn’t matter anyways.  I guess the
reason why I’m reliving this now is because I need that feeling now.
And I know I’m going to need it more in the coming weeks. Hopefully
reliving what happened (without disclosing information that would give
any secrets away) will help me feel that high.

I
don’t’ even know where to begin. So much stuff happened during kairos,
and so much stuff happened after. That could be a good thing, and a bad
thing. But I’d like to be positive. So, I’m going to go ahead and
pretend I’m living the _ _ _ _ _ _. Er.. umm.. living the way I’m
supposed to be.

When
I was there for four days, I just felt like nothing mattered. Just me
and those people. And I know it’s different from the world we see and
live in everyday, but I just felt real. No barriers, no guards. Just
me. Not in a sense that I can be whoever I want to be, but yeah sure,
that too. It’s hard to explain it, but I just felt like life should
always be like that – like I should always be like that. Just ready to
be open and honest – just ready to feel. Sure, I felt vulnerable. But
that’s because I let myself be vulnerable. I knew I was surrounded by
people I could trust. I know I’ve known most of them for 4 days, but I
also knew I could trust them. I also knew I loved every single one of
them, even those people I didn’t talk to (or never will, for that
matter). Everything just seemed right.

But
besides that vague description, what I loved the most about kairos is
that feeling of.. belonging? For lack of a better term. It’s more of a
realization that I am important to the world; that I actually matter;
that people actually care. I never really meant to be cynical, but I
was just being careful. But, like I said, once you let your guard down
and just let go and give it a chance, you’ll feel that. And that’s one
of the most amazing things ever. That’s what I will always remember
about kairos. That and catchphrase.

When
I got back, I was happy, genuinely happy. I don’t think I have ever
been that happy before. Everything was screwed up. I had a lot of work
to do and make up for, there was pressure, colleges, all the negativity
in school and at home… but nothing mattered. During those days that I
was still feeling the magic of kairos, I didn’t care about anything.
Even though everything else around me is messed up and nothing is
happening the way I want it to, I was happy, truly happy.

            So
I guess now, what I want is just to feel that again. Not necessarily
the magic of kairos, but just being happy. Especially in the coming
weeks. I need something to look forward to and something to look back
on. I don’t want this year to be like last year, because it’s just
going to haunt me. Last year was a screw up and until now, I still
can’t figure out why. But I’m going to let it slide. It’s just 17, I
mean, what’s so special about it. This year though, it has to be
meaningful. That’s what I’m looking for. Not material things, not
anything wrapped in a pretty box. Just meaning. I don’t want to throw
this away, too.

            When
I was in kairos, I was thinking about this, and at that moment, I felt
happy and I told myself I’m not going to ruin this. It’s just so much
harder now that I’m out of that trance (?) and reality has crawled back
into my life. But that want hasn’t changed. As much as I am determined
to not ruin this, it’s just hard to find what I’m looking for,
especially when I don’t know what that is. I’m not closing myself off
or shooting myself down. Actually, I don’t know what I’m doing. And I
also don’t know what I want. Oh great, another emo moment I swore not
to have again.

And
at these moments, I look at the thing hanging around my neck and think
of what happened and what I should be doing. It brings a smile to my
face, but I want something more than that. I want that high.

Puffy eyes again tomorrow morning. Regret’s on the way…

and seriously.. how ironic is it that goo goo dolls’  LET LOVE IN was released on april 25 2006? really??

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