the end of an era

why i keep coming back here, i really have no idea. a private journal i guess. it just sounds really cool to me. there’s a billion people out there who can read this, but, no one does. it’s like i’m putting my vulnerability out to the world, and it’s not that they don’t care [but i don’t really care if they dont care. hmm headache.] it’s just no one notices. and it’s a win win situation. i get to spill out things i dont want locked up, and people dont waste their time being forced to read this. and hopefully, years from now, i can look back and reflect on what a great dumbass i was. sweetness.

and quoting she who must not me named, a great feeling of heartbreak and euphoria. it’s something full of love and pain, of life and death, of failure and triumph. all haters can disagree and shoot down my thoughts, but it doesnt really matter. they’re my own, so.. screw you.

not that it comes to a crashing halt. it’s taken forever actually. but it’s one of those things that you let yourself get swallowed and engulf you, so intense that the lines between your world and that world are blurred. it’s not a fantasy or a dream, it’s just a part of your mind. maybe by time it has come to be a part of you. but, again, it’s time to say goodbye. it doesn’t mean forgetting. hell, i know i won’t be forgetting anything about this. if anything, i would revisit it as often as i can. it just comes with a whole lot of memories and this thing is a memory in and of itself. [thank you, Kierkegaard]

it’s been great, a long run and a lot of hormone surges [ring a bell?] but alas, all things must come to an end.

i stuck with him until the end. a few things ruined, but happy in the end.

calvintomyhobbes

How about we ignore the fact that i haven’t updated in months?

Of weddings and
vow renewals

It’s things like this that make you
think of love. No, like real love. Of trying to find the right person. It makes
you think how amazing it is that two people find their soul mates in a world
full of hatred and problems, and other 4 billion people just searching for the
right person. It makes you think of how two people meet, maybe through a friend
or just by accident, and how both of them were meant to be at the exact same
place at the exact same time, and how when they meet, everything is perfect.
They get a long, there’s chemistry, and they might as well eat spaghetti and
eat the same noodle and keep eating it until their lips meet. Scenes like these
make you think how romantic and perfect the world is. When you look at these
two people, the world just looks like a place full of people just waiting for
each other. It kind of gives you hope, that maybe, just maybe, sometime soon,
you’ll find your own soul mate. You’ll find the perfect person to share that spaghetti
with.

 

But at the same time, it’s times
like this that make you think of your fate. Are you really going to meet that
person in time? Are you going to meet him through someone, bump into him, or do
you need to look for him? What if you already missed him? What if you already
missed your chance? That’s it for you? Events like this make you hopeful, yes,
but at the same time it can fill you with jealousy, too. Why can’t you have
that same thing? It makes you notice how everyone seems to be in perfect relationships,
while you sit alone on your couch, staring at your ceiling, thinking how lucky
those bastards are? It suddenly makes you feel aware of the fact that you’re
alone, that you don’t have anyone. (and damn to hell if one of your friends say
“But I’m always here for you!”). It’s kind of like Valentine’s Day in the
middle of July, with the air filled with “I’m in love – you’re not” chants. Then
you’re just left with self-pity, and hell, if you’re lucky, a whole lot of
self-doubt.

 

It’s something beautiful and it’s a
blessing to witness two people still in love after all these years. But at the
same time, it can scare the crap out of you. Is he ever going to come? Sometimes
you just get tired, really, really effin tired.