hello, love.

this has been a scary place.
the words are lost, the emotions there, twisting, screaming, eating us up.
waiting for a spark, something to break the dawn.
we wait. we wait. we wait.
we are here. i am here.

i’m not sure 2009 is worth examining. some were good, but most were bad. in light of recent events, yes, certainly bad. i’m an optimistic person, but i think it’s going to get worse from here. point is, 2009 was full of hurt and anger. of regret and guilt. how many times have you heard ‘through the ups and downs’? i bet you’d slit your throat if you hear another roller coaster metaphor. we have to come up with a better analogy. or a better recreational park ride.

tears – of anger, of joy, of being lonely, or fear, of stress, of insecurity, of heart break. well, at least something was consistent. at least i have that. 2009 definitely had that.

what didn’t 2009 have? rest. space. breathing room. so many days gone by, seen through blood shot eyes. seconds pass, to minutes, to hours, and i don’t sleep a wink. sure, there’s work to do. but also, there are things to be afraid of. mostly, there are people to be worried about. and the people my heart is full of hatred for? i don’t have space in my mind for them.

hatred is a strong word. it feels accurate sometimes. most days, it feels spot on.

every night, i open my eyes after turning off all the lights. and for a few seconds, i’m blind. i can’t see anything through wide open eyes. i should panic, but i don’t. for me, it’s the most calming feeling. it’s freeing, in a way. because for a few moments, when my eyes are open and i’m searching for the faintest light, i see nothing. i feel alone. i feel at peace. nothing is around me. nothing to be scared of.

nothing.

most people would be afraid scared of not knowing what’s out there, not seeing what’s coming. they want to be prepared, to brace themselves. not me. at least not now. i’m not scared, but i’m not brave either. i just don’t feel fear. not because i know i can take on whatever is in the darkness. but because i’m naive, and i think there is NOTHING in the darkness. i’ve deluded myself into thinking if that i don’t see anything, nothing’s there.

story of my life.

you don’t have to fight. you need only to be still.

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