We’re never gonna be as young as we are tonight

Currently sporting my 9:30 club shirt. I feel like a walking zombie. I can say that I’m tired but tha doesn’t even encompass how I feel. I’m so tired it actually hurts to type right now. And blogging in orgo when I have a test on Wednesday can only bite my ass later on. But last night deserves to be up here, before I forget the minor details.

After convincing everyone at 9:30 club that yes, I am in fact 21 years old, the first thing that I did was have sex on the beach. And boy was that gooooood. Expensive though, $8. (get your mind out of the gutter). Had 2 of those and a Bacardi shooter. SO good.

Really liked not having those pesky x’s on my hands anymore. Yes ma’am, that’s right. I’m on a mission tonight.

Ok, for memory’s sake, let’s mention the fact that this was the AP tour, which always always falls on or around my bday.
Bands:
The Summer Set
Every Avenue
Hey Monday
The Cab
Nevershoutnever

But wait – there’s more! Dave Cook from My Favorite Highway made an appearance tonight and sang with The Summer Set, and after the show, we saw Rian Dawson lurking around. What pleasant surprises. 🙂

Anyway, I could talk about in great detail the sets of the night, or how I threw up afte Every Avenue’s set, but music is music, and it was fun, but really – we all know the best part was hanging out with the bands afterwards.

Brian from The Summer Set and Mike from Hey Monday were actually hanging out. The others kinda just signed and took pictures, wished me a happy birthday, all those good stuff. But mike – oh mike. He was funny. Made my night.

“I’m more special than you think I am!”

“see ya at the gay bars!”

“alright, fuck off.”

he was kidding. I think.

I kinda wish I did drink more though. But 1) shit was expensive. 2) moshing and jumping and dancing when you’re drunk does not give you pleasant results.

it’s ok. We’ll get my hammer on this weekend. 😉

3334 = 8.28

how do you start talking about a broken heart?
especially when it’s not the usual consequence of a failed romance.
it’s one of giving up. of things being thrown, by life, by God, by the people around.
it’s about hurt. yes, a lot of tears.
the lost of hope.

how do you start talking about a mending heart?

*****
i’m tired. i wish people would really see and hear the meaning of the word tired.

“you look like hell. did you get some sleep?”
“i’m just tired.”

it’s beyond the physical aspect. it’s being exhausted. drained. tired of life taking so much from me. what is there left to give? it’s taken my dreams, my heart, my beliefs. i’m scared of what else can happen. what else can be taken away from me, and still leave me standing? fighting?

barely fighting. i can’t cry. that means i lose. it means they win. those people who have hurt me more than i thought possible, those people i didn’t expected to be treated that way.

crying won’t solve anything. everyone has their own crosses to bear.

i’m not going to be someone else’s burden.

it’s about being tired of waiting.

“there’s a plan. better than you expect. big things.”

it’s been 2 years. where’s this plan? i’m not getting impatient. i’m just getting….tired. tired of waiting. tired of accepting things, letting go of things, hoping for things.

and there it is. hope. what else do you do when you’ve got nothing else? hope that still, good things can happen. even quake after quake. chaos after chaos. trembling fear after numbing pain.

but yes, good things happen. even when you can’t seem to catch a break.

so you wait. and wait. and wait. and then lose faith. and then lose hope.

i don’t believe in signs anymore. you tend to not believe in things that you don’t see anymore.

so is that why i –accidentally– opened my Bible to page 3334? with a box that has a paragraph title “hope”. or that mere inches from that, this was written: “We know that all things work for good for those who love God , who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

signs, huh? well what do you make of that?

and of course, there’s no one to talk to about this. no one will understand. no one will appreciate it. people will question it.

“you can find a sign on a piece of toast.”

i have to hang on to every little bit of hope that i have. even when i have to fend of people who question it. i need to be able to get up in the morning, ready for a new day.
if i didn’t have this, i would have given up a long time ago.

you gotta hold on to every moment of triumph. however small it is. it doesn’t matter. they all mean something.

big things. pray big things. He’s listening.

 

 

 

p. 3334, book 8, verse 28

743 reasons.

maybe i’m in the wrong field.
i’m not good at it.
i’m obviously, apparently not good enough.
i’m not motivated enough.
i’m not enough, period.

maybe i’m in the wrong field.
or maybe i have the wrong set of mind.
blessed with the wrong set of hands?
a wrong, beating heart?
a weak, fleeting brain?
questionable intentions. questionable strength.

unyielding power.
unyielding grace.
my heart is the only thing that’s right.