catching a spark

I’m going to go ahead and get this in writing. Moments like this come and go, and I want to capture it so bad so I can look back to this when I’m feeling discouraged.

I feel so incredibly blessed to be here. Everyone said that it’s going to be overwhelming, that it’s going to make me cry. Yes, a few tears. But for different reasons. I hear these stories about my professors and their experiences as nurses. And I can’t help but get teary-eyed. They are all so inspirational. I know how cliché it is to say that I’m here because I want to make a difference in someone’s life. But really, there’s no other way of saying that. There’s no other way of expressing this feeling. 

I guess the excitement of being in a professional school is still not wearing off. And that’s a good thing! I will try to hold on to this as long as I can. Because this passion, this fire, this drive in me – it rarely comes, if ever. Like I can do anything. Like no matter how hard it gets, it’ll be ok. And not only because it’ll be worth it in the end, but because I genuinely want to be here. Because I am lucky to be in this program, to have been given this chance, to have been given everything I need, to have endless opportunities. It’s exciting, and it can make your head swirl if you let it.

I know weeks or even days from now I will want to give up. And question my being here, if I really belong here. And I want to be able to look back to this and remind myself that there is nothing else I want to be. I want to be like my professors, like my mom, like her colleagues. I am so damn lucky to fall in love with a profession that will give me a stable career, and to be given the chance to actually pursue it, and to realize that I’m actually cut out for it. What else could I ask for? Everything is coming together. All those years of doubt, worry, panic, fear – they’re almost all gone. And they’re most certainly worth it.

It’s weird; I make nursing sound like it’s so glamorous and alluring. We all know it’s not. It’s probably the exact opposite for some people. Why would someone kill herself to pass impossibly hard classes just to learn how to clean someone’s wound or give them a sponge bath? Well, that’s as ignorant as someone can get. It’s so much more than that. I can sit here all night and try to explain that, but it won’t be enough. Words won’t be enough. Passion cannot be explained. At least not this kind. Nursing is rough, and some say it’s one of those jobs that keep you grounded. Because in essence, we’re providing a service. Taking care we’re taking care of people for a living. But there is such pride when it comes to nursing. You see people talk about their jobs and they can’t help but smile, or even cry. Very few jobs exist where people feel such strong emotions about what they do.

I guess for once I feel like I belong. And it’s not that I didn’t have friends in college park. Those 2 years were actually some of the most memorable years of my life. But here, I have a purpose. I have a clear view of what I want to be. I look around and I see people who inspire me, who motivate me. My professors, my friends, my peers. Everyone is goal-oriented. Granted, some are probably suffering from stress and self-doubt. But they’re here. And they’re trying. And again, I feel blessed, if not honored, to be one of these people. Such selfless people, so patient, and loving, and intelligent, and just everything I want to be.

It’s going to be hard, I know that. But I feel like I can handle it. Maybe I’m just being naive because I JUST started. And yeah, things are already piling up, but this new attitude, this new direction I’m going – it’s different. And it’s a very good kind of different.

 

 

2010.

i didn’t do this for 2009, mostly because the end of the year was too fucking painful. and i really regret it.
i will put minimal effort into this, partly because i probably don’t remember a lot anyway. but also because there are things i don’t wanna remember years from now.
that’s not to say that i’m gonna leave out the bad, painful memories. i’m just gonna minimize it.

also, i think a better idea is to do a recap every end of a semester. 🙂

2010. this is what you brought me:

  • organic chemistry. twice.
  • a great MD basketball season
  • my first legit job – Hunter and Mikey!
  • a gig at Children’s Hospital Center
  • not getting into nursing school
  • getting into nursing school
  • having a chill semester
  • writing and reading poetry
  • new shows via marathons 
  • new obsessions 😉
  • mending friendships
  • breaking friendships 
  • strengthening friendships
  • a lot of alcohol

2010 was great. a lot better than 2009. i find that my year is dictated by how i spent my new year’s eve. this year’s celebration was lame. but hopefully this vicious cycle will be broken this year. new year’s eve was lame, but the rest of the year is not gonna be. 

i only want 2 things. i set out 2 goals for myself this year. and i can do my best to make them happen. but if it’s not meant to be, then it’s not meant to be.

realizing what i want is the first step.