see, that scares the shit out of me. needing someone like that? needing someone in your life that breathing seems impossible without them? i’ve never felt that way and i don’t think i’m going to feel that way any time soon. and i don’t know if i’m looking forward to that or not. sure, it might be nice to have someone take care of me for once. it’d be a nice change to be taken care of, instead of being the one taking care of people. (i mean, i’m in a profession where i’m going to make a career about taking care of others.) but, that need to be next to someone? that thirst? that longing? that would really freak me out.
it’s been always just me. alone. and sure, it gets lonely and difficult, trying to do things on my own and trying to be strong because i feel like i can’t run to anyone. but i’ve always taken pride in that independence. i take pride in being able to take care of myself, in being able to fend for myself, in being tough. but it gets exhausting. and i guess it’s always been just me for a really, really long time that i’ve forgotten how to ask other people for help. i don’t know how to make myself vulnerable. i don’t know how to let my guard down. because as much as it embarrasses me to admit this, letting someone in not only scares me, but it also makes me feel weak. and that something i’ve taught myself NOT to be.
so if someone comes up to me and tells me i need him, i’m just going to stare at him. because i feel like i’m going to want to need him, but i probably won’t. ot i won’t let myself need him. not immediately, at least.
but what the hell do i know.