Will not. Cannot.

I’m actually not as broken as I thought I was going to be, at least at this point in the semester. Everything is ok. Maybe because I have these sessions where I talk to myself to pep me up. It’s a necessity. But mostly, I am still intact because I can’t let myself breakdown. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a mental breakdown a couple of times, but nothing severe or life-altering. Just being homesick. Being lonely.  But I haven’t been destroyed yet. Mainly it’s because I’m going at this blindly. I’m not thinking about what I’m missing out on, or what I’m giving up. I’m trying to be goal-oriented. I’m trying to put in perspective how much people believe in me. How much people are investing in me. Those are the people that I depend on. They’re the ones who are preventing me from being destroyed.

Chuck Bartowski and Neal Caffrey

So I started watching this last Wednesday. I watched 6 episodes. That’s almost 6 hours of my life. And I have fucking validations. I will fail these validations because of Chuck Bartowski. 

But this guy, Zachary Levi, he is …. perfect. Alright, maybe not perfect, only because I don’t really know what he’s like in real life. But the dude is:

  • Handsome. Not cute. Not hot. Not pretty. Handsome.
  • Charming. You can’t help by smile when he talks. He draws people to him.
  • Talented. He can sing!
  • A Christian. There’s a video of him online explaining God’s love for him. 
  • Funny. He is silly and a total goober. Fucking adorable.
  • Down to earth. He takes the time to talk to his fans. Via twitter. Or before/after interviews, like they’re his friends. Who the fuck does that?
  • A self-declared nerd. Definition: one whose unbridled passion for something, or things, defines who they are as a person, without fear of other people’s judgement.

     

If I were given the chance to meet anyone, I’d pick him. 

 

 

Or Matt Bomer. But that won’t be much of a meet and greet; it’ll just be me drooling over him. 

Alright, I don’t even know where to begin with this man. He rolls out of bed perfect. He’s fun, funny, charming… pretty much copy+paste that list above for Zac. That’s Matt Bomer. Maybe a little more charming, a little more suave. A little more perfect?

 

And is it any coincidence that I Flynn Rider (played/voiced by Zachary Levi) reminds me of Matt Bomer?
Charming, sexy, not bad with the ladies – I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ll come across in the dictionary if you looked up Matt Bomer’s name. 

(My head almost imploded when I realized they used to work together. Yvonne Strahovsky, you lucky bastard.)

I like….

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. When this old man with his grandson came up to me and asked me, “Are you Filipino?” and I said, “Yes, yes I am! How did you know?” and he said, “I’m familiar with Filipinos. And you have a very beautiful face.”

Mind you, I had just woken up, put on my Maryland shirt and went to the dry cleaners to pick up some stuff. And then I get a compliment like that.

The little things indeed.

Today’s Gospel

So I went to daily Mass today for the first time in ages. I’ve been talking to my friend Andrew (Fausto, just so we’re clear. Geez. Why must there be so many Andrews in my life?) about going to Mass everyday. We’re both going to aim to go to Mass everyday for Lent. I know I can do it, but it’ll be hard.

I had a perfect week a few weeks ago, meaning I went to Mass (and the gym!) everyday. It gave me an awesome feeling. Going to Mass is a great way to start my day. With the chaos and pressure that nursing school brings, it’s kind of easy to forget my purpose. I know I want to be a nurse to make a difference (cheers for cliches!) I am in the health care profession to help other people. Yeah, the financial stability is a plus, but ultimately I’m doing this to be of service to God. Everything I do is all for His glory, since everything I have is from Him. And when I feel like giving up or I feel like I can’t do this anymore, I just remind myself that this isn’t just for me. How selfish am I to think that I’m only doing this for my benefit? This is for Him, so I can be an instrument of His Word. 

This is the ultimate reason why I started going to daily Mass, so I will be reminded of this purpose. But weirdly enough, even going to Mass daily felt wrong – like I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Yeah, there’s the whole ‘focus my career on God’ idea, but I can’t get rid of the feeling that maybe I was only doing it to make myself feel better. Or maybe bragging rights. Or maybe because it would impress people. I don’t know. But those were kind of messing with my motivation to go to Mass. Kind of like that feeling I get when I pray the Rosary because I am forced to do it, not because I want to; so I end up doing it halfheartedly. And that didn’t sit right with me. I’m not saying that that was the only reason why I didn’t go. (There was Hell week, where we had 4 tests in one week, remember that?) But that played a huge part.

So today, after a few days of Andrew inviting me to go to Mass (he wasn’t forcing me or anything – I was just honestly, sincerely busy during the times he wanted to go to Mass), I was finally able to go. Oh, and guess what the Gospel was? One of my favorites. It’s when John and James’ mom asks Jesus to make her sons His ‘right hand.’ And Jesus goes on to tell them that to be leaders, they should be good followers. They should serve other people just like He came to serve us, because whoever wants to be first shall be last, and who ever wants to be last shall be first. (Totally just quoted that entire thing from the top of my head. Aww yeah!) That kind of humility and selflessness is what I am aiming for, especially as a nurse. And I couldn’t help but smirk up at God as I though, “Haha, you’re clever.” God has a weird sense of humor. I know that wasn’t a coincidence. It wasn’t by chance that that was today’s Gospel, the perfect motivation I needed to get back on track, spiritually and academically (those two are the main things I’m worrying about right now. Or at least for now.)

Fun fact: I wanted to name my kids John and James because of this Gospel, so their entire lives they can be reminded of how they should be living and doing things: all for God’s glory.