obligatory reflection

i was told to reflect on my first day of clinicals. so here i am.

it actually went better than expected! (seriously, how many times have i said that in the past week??) admittedly, i was scared shitless and panicking and thinking i was NOT prepared at all. but all that kind of went out the window. that has been happening a lot lately. with validations, interview, assessments… i feel like throwing up right before and then once i open the door and start, i put on a smile and do my thing. once i say, “hi, my name is nella. can you state your name and date of birth?” everything is out of the window. fear, anxiety, pressure, over-thinking…. OUT. it’s like an out-of-body experience.  i just…. do it. and it always turns out well. so far.

today was no different. i handled things well, i think. managed my time well. built rapport with the patient and his family. he really liked me. (he got fussy when the patient care technician and the nurse would help him up and try to feed him instead of me. haha) more importantly, i LOVED him. he was the most adorable 97 year old man. he has dementia and non-verbal but when he smiles every time he takes a yummy bite from his breakfast or lunch, i can’t help but chuckle. when they were exercising and he was participating, i was SO proud of him. he was just amazing. it’s almost the same feeling you get when you’re watching a little kid play and eat. almost. see, i never thought i’d be fond of old people. but this old man was so sweet. when i was giving him a bed bath, he randomly screamed “BALTAZAR!” because he read my name tag. and i don’t know, it felt like a baby saying his first word. i just wanted to hug him. and when he was waiting for his lunch, he kept glancing at me. i guess whenever he saw my face, he would think i looked familiar. (apparently it’s normal for old people to even forget who’s taking care of them, even if it just happened earlier that morning.) so i would wave and smile. and he would wave back. it just melted my heart every time he did that. 

i didn’t expect to like clinicals so much, considering it was a nursing home and it wasn’t supposed to be exciting. but i think it meant more than getting a cool case. i had a patient whose eyes would light up every time i gave him a bite of his cupcake, or would just look at me and smile as i washed his arms, or would try to hit a beach ball during ‘exercise’ (haha) and make me so proud. i didn’t expect for this to mean this much to me.

i’m having attachment problems already. i’m going to have problems saying goodbye.



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