I used to think like this. I used to want someone to protect me, to look after me, to fight off everyone who would ever hurt me. I used to think I need someone to do all these things for me. I think this is why I liked having a lot of guy friends. I felt like I needed a protector.
I’m not saying I don’t want that now, or that I’m so fiercely independent that I don’t need anyone to help me fight my battles. Don’t get me wrong, I need all the help I can get. But I’ve realized these past few years that I actually enjoy being the oldest. I used to firmly believe that I was meant to have an older brother. My mom had a miscarriage before me, and I always thought the was supposed to be him. That would have changed our family dynamics drastically.
I wouldn’t be who I am if that had happened. (Look up: psychology of birth orders) But being the oldest has shaped me to be who I am now. And I actually love being the one my brother and my sister look up to and ask for advice. Not because it makes me feel important, but because when they do something great, I feel such pride in thinking that I helped them get there. I love being the protector. I can’t explain why or how, but I like being responsible for them. And it’s not a conscious choice either. I just find myself taking matters into my own hands and doing whatever it takes to make their lives a little better.
I now find myself being incredibly grateful that I have no older siblings, although growing up, I wanted one so bad.
And things change. People grow up. Then they realize that they have to be their own protector.