I am not afraid of what tomorrow brings, because I know God is with me. It will be terrible and scary, but it’s going to be okay, because God is going to be with me. And I will be doing it for His children.
I want to help these kids so bad. I want to take their pain away. I want to help them breathe, and not seize, and not yell out in misery anymore. I don’t want them to be scared. I don’t want their parents to be frustrated. I want these kids to be cured. But that’s not possible all the time. All I can do is to fix what’s wrong right now. And that drives me nuts.
Yes, I almost missed lunch. Yes, I almost didn’t pee. Yes, I was dehydrated. I was frustrated, I was yelled at, I felt like an idiot. But if all these means they got what they needed today, and the doctors are one step closer to making life a little easier for my kids, then I will happily do it. Again. Every day. No questions asked.
These kids deserve to be happy. And pain free. One dad said to us that he believed in heaven. That he knows in heaven his daughter can walk, and talk, and sing, and see. I believe that. This kid deserves that. She deserves to have a life with God, without pain and fear and misery and any illnesses. And one day her parents will meet her there, and they will see how happy and well she is.
I feel passionate and called to sing up to be a part of their care team. I want to be with them, in their suffering, in their pain. God made me to be a nurse for a reason. He put me in the PICU for a reason, and I know I can do it if I am smart about it. This is God telling me to step up to the challenge, asking me to take on greater battles, so I can take better care of these kids.
And I will do it happily. But Lord, please, please help me surrender.