It is necessary for this to be casual.

People ask me why things haven’t progressed yet. Why we haven’t progressed yet. It has been long enough, hasn’t it? But what is holding us back?

1) You’re leaving. We don’t know when, how, where to, what for, or really if ever. But odds are you’re leaving. And I can’t commit myself into something, into someone who I know is going to leave. What am I supposed to do with myself when you leave? If I give this and you everything that I can and want to, what will be left of me?

2) You keep saying yourself that we won’t last. That you won’t put money in us making it very far. That I shouldn’t prioritize you over my friends, because I’ve known them longer, and odds are they’ll be staying in my life a lot longer than you are. And you said it yourself. You’re not being pessimistic; you’re just being realistic. So again, why commit myself into something that will not last?

3) I’ve seen you at your worst. And your worst threatens to come out sometimes, and I’m not sure how to, and if I can, handle it. I just want to stop talking and stop listening, and go far away. Not really relationship material, this girl. I tend to bail.

4) It can get very, very complicated. We started this with the premise that we can’t do anything serious right now. That we both don’t want anything more than just having fun. I meant that, and I still do. If we call this what people want us to call it, then we’ll be asking questions. “Why can’t we hang out more?” “Why do we never have enough time together?” “Why does your sister disprove of this?” Things will get too real too fast. All the problems we’ve been shoving underneath the shallowness of just spending time together will all come out and engulf us. And I’m not sure we’ll survive that.

5) Maybe I’m just really not ready for it. You’re great. This is great. But I can’t have anything more than this, because maybe I simply do not want to have anything more. I want this, I want what we have. I want to keep doing things we’re doing. But maybe just not with you.

6) And maybe vice versa! I know that there are things we don’t agree on. There are things that I know you cannot stand, and even hate about me. There are things that we don’t see eye to eye on, and who knows maybe those things will eventually rip us apart. Maybe you’re better suited with someone else, also. Maybe you know this, too.

…Or maybe I’m just looking for a way out. Am I that broken? To run away from something, the only thing, that has remotely made me happy in a very, very long time.

It’s a lot to risk. It’s a lot to ask of me and of you. So can everyone blame us if we can’t define this yet? Whatever this is? So for now. let’s just keep this as it is: Casual.

 

Four Years Ago

I stumbled upon a letter I (apparently) wrote myself 4 years ago, when I was miserably trying to get into nursing school. And since it’s graduation season, I think it’s appropriate that I share a part of it.

“…I also hope you’re making a difference right now. Isn’t that the plan? Hasn’t that always been the plan? Get a good education, work hard, change the world? As someone once said, if you want to be a part of the forces of change our society so desperately needs right now, we need more than intellect and knowledge. In the heart of it are love and compassion, which will be the root of all the dreams to be transformed into action. It’s easy to lose sight of this. Please don’t. Do change the world. It’s going to be hard, but not impossible.

Pray. Pray big things. God’s listening. He’s in control. Always. Always. Always.”

To those graduating, congratulations! There is a life after undergrad, and it is freaking awesome. Scary, but exciting. Cheers to a new journey! 

I Don’t Know What This Is

It’s in the way you talk to me, all the time, texting and calling when you say you will. It’s in the way you drive almost an hour to come see me, just to sleep next to me. Not with me. Just innocently lie next to me for a few hours. It’s in the way you try so hard to reciprocate the concern I genuinely show, from catching me literally as I fall, to making sure I eat, to protecting me from sleaze bags in bars. It’s in the way you sing to me one of the most romantic songs I have listened to when I was growing up, in another language that you are very diligently trying to learn. It’s in the way you glance up at me in disbelief when you open your birthday present and realized that it’s not just what you wanted, but exactly what you needed. It’s in the way you tell me that you had a near magical day, and that I was a big part of that.

You do things and say things I have always dreamed someone would. I catch us doing things that are sickeningly romantic, for which me from 6 months ago would have mocked us. I catch us saying flirty and sweet things to each other, making me act like a school girl every time you sing things like, “My dreams fly me, to a place near Baltimore.” But I also catch myself smiling a lot more, laughing a lot more. I look at myself and I am happy.

I don’t know what this is. It’s been 3 months of actual dating, 6 months of talking, and I still don’t know what this is. I still don’t know what we are and what I want us to be. I don’t know what I want you to be. I have never been this uncertain about someone for this long, and that confuses me. Is this normal? Is this how it’s supposed to be? To cautiously walk into something, watching every step, taking very calculated risks, over-thinking every act? But at the same time just trusting that what happens happens, that there is no use forcing things and defining and redifining us. It’s a mixture of being unsure, but trusting that this feels right, at least for now.

That’s what we are. A balance of things, and always in sync. We’re always on the same page, and it surprises me every time.

I don’t know what to make of us, but I do know that when this ends, and it will end, a big part of me will be at  a loss.