I Don’t Know What This Is

It’s in the way you talk to me, all the time, texting and calling when you say you will. It’s in the way you drive almost an hour to come see me, just to sleep next to me. Not with me. Just innocently lie next to me for a few hours. It’s in the way you try so hard to reciprocate the concern I genuinely show, from catching me literally as I fall, to making sure I eat, to protecting me from sleaze bags in bars. It’s in the way you sing to me one of the most romantic songs I have listened to when I was growing up, in another language that you are very diligently trying to learn. It’s in the way you glance up at me in disbelief when you open your birthday present and realized that it’s not just what you wanted, but exactly what you needed. It’s in the way you tell me that you had a near magical day, and that I was a big part of that.

You do things and say things I have always dreamed someone would. I catch us doing things that are sickeningly romantic, for which me from 6 months ago would have mocked us. I catch us saying flirty and sweet things to each other, making me act like a school girl every time you sing things like, “My dreams fly me, to a place near Baltimore.” But I also catch myself smiling a lot more, laughing a lot more. I look at myself and I am happy.

I don’t know what this is. It’s been 3 months of actual dating, 6 months of talking, and I still don’t know what this is. I still don’t know what we are and what I want us to be. I don’t know what I want you to be. I have never been this uncertain about someone for this long, and that confuses me. Is this normal? Is this how it’s supposed to be? To cautiously walk into something, watching every step, taking very calculated risks, over-thinking every act? But at the same time just trusting that what happens happens, that there is no use forcing things and defining and redifining us. It’s a mixture of being unsure, but trusting that this feels right, at least for now.

That’s what we are. A balance of things, and always in sync. We’re always on the same page, and it surprises me every time.

I don’t know what to make of us, but I do know that when this ends, and it will end, a big part of me will be at  a loss.

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