It is necessary for this to be casual.

People ask me why things haven’t progressed yet. Why we haven’t progressed yet. It has been long enough, hasn’t it? But what is holding us back?

1) You’re leaving. We don’t know when, how, where to, what for, or really if ever. But odds are you’re leaving. And I can’t commit myself into something, into someone who I know is going to leave. What am I supposed to do with myself when you leave? If I give this and you everything that I can and want to, what will be left of me?

2) You keep saying yourself that we won’t last. That you won’t put money in us making it very far. That I shouldn’t prioritize you over my friends, because I’ve known them longer, and odds are they’ll be staying in my life a lot longer than you are. And you said it yourself. You’re not being pessimistic; you’re just being realistic. So again, why commit myself into something that will not last?

3) I’ve seen you at your worst. And your worst threatens to come out sometimes, and I’m not sure how to, and if I can, handle it. I just want to stop talking and stop listening, and go far away. Not really relationship material, this girl. I tend to bail.

4) It can get very, very complicated. We started this with the premise that we can’t do anything serious right now. That we both don’t want anything more than just having fun. I meant that, and I still do. If we call this what people want us to call it, then we’ll be asking questions. “Why can’t we hang out more?” “Why do we never have enough time together?” “Why does your sister disprove of this?” Things will get too real too fast. All the problems we’ve been shoving underneath the shallowness of just spending time together will all come out and engulf us. And I’m not sure we’ll survive that.

5) Maybe I’m just really not ready for it. You’re great. This is great. But I can’t have anything more than this, because maybe I simply do not want to have anything more. I want this, I want what we have. I want to keep doing things we’re doing. But maybe just not with you.

6) And maybe vice versa! I know that there are things we don’t agree on. There are things that I know you cannot stand, and even hate about me. There are things that we don’t see eye to eye on, and who knows maybe those things will eventually rip us apart. Maybe you’re better suited with someone else, also. Maybe you know this, too.

…Or maybe I’m just looking for a way out. Am I that broken? To run away from something, the only thing, that has remotely made me happy in a very, very long time.

It’s a lot to risk. It’s a lot to ask of me and of you. So can everyone blame us if we can’t define this yet? Whatever this is? So for now. let’s just keep this as it is: Casual.

 

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