The thing about pain, is that it demands to be felt.

12 hours ago, I didn’t think you could ever hurt me, not on purpose at least. Well, to be fair, I guess this isn’t on purpose.

You were hesitant to pick things back up as we usually do before falling asleep, and I asked why. You said you didn’t feel right doing things with me when you had… ‘unanswered questions’. You were afraid that what we’re doing may incline certain expectations that you will not be able to meet. You were worried that because we view physical stuff to mean different things, it would mislead me. So I asked what all this meant for you. And too quickly you responded, “Nothing.”

I don’t recall the last time I was slapped in the face, but I vaguely remembering it feeling this way. 

A pain that’s sudden, forceful, lingering. The kind that knocks the breath out of you. I slowly retracted my hand from across your chest. I was silent. Or at least I think I was silent. I can’t remember what you said or what I said next. All I could think of was the tingling in my fingers, the sudden weight in the pit of my stomach. You swiftly but sincerely apologized for ruining the moment. (Although at that moment I was afraid it was more than the moment that was ruined.) And after a few minutes, you fell asleep.

I tossed and turned beside you, not only because I was restless, but also because I did not want a part of me touching you. Not even an inch. I had an unsettling feeling of urgency. All I wanted to do was to get out of there, to be so far away from you. I had no idea what time it was, but it was obviously dark. I left your house after gathering my things. I think you were awake. I was wondering if I woke you up with my shuffling in the dark. But worse, I didn’t even care if you were watching me pack up my stuff.

After a near magical weekend of talking to each other, being lost in each other, it had to end with this. 

I don’t think I have ever been that honest with anyone I’ve ever dated. It took me a while to be as good as you when it comes to communicating. Or I guess as willing as you are to communicate. I meant every word I said last night. They were hard to spit out, and it was a constant struggle every time I said something, but I knew you appreciated it. I knew that you had a right to know what I was thinking, how I was feeling. So I shared them, all of them. And maybe that’s what pushed you away? Or made you realize how much I wanted to make this work? Because for the first time ever, or at least in a really long time, we were not on the same page.

I don’t just do these things with anyone. I do them with you, for you, to you, because I care about you and because you matter to me. It didn’t seem like that was reciprocated. “Nothing,” you said. This all meant nothing to you. It definitely meant something more than ‘nothing’ to me. And you saying it meant nothing made me feel cheap and used. And I didn’t want to touch you or even look at you. 

How did all this change in less than 12 hours? 

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The world, indeed, is not a wish-granting factory.

Someone once told me that the best way to be with you is to be honest with you. So here it goes.

In a nutshell, I don’t want you to go. Of course I don’t want you to go.

You first asked what we are now, since we haven’t defined our relationship since February. I dodged the question because I still didn’t know. Or at least in that moment I didn’t know. I have been holding myself back from progressing, from moving this forward, because I knew you were going to leave, one way or another. And now you’re asking us to reevaluate our situation to see if this is worth our time and effort. I feel like we went on a full circle here. I didn’t want anything real because I knew this was going to end sooner rather than later. Now that it’s ending I wish this was something real. I’m pretty sure if you look up the word ‘infuriating’ in the dictionary, it’s going to show you this situation. Also look up: irony.

Then you asked me if we could keep this going when you leave. It broke my heart to say “I don’t know…” which we both know meant “No.” And at that moment, I hated myself. I hated that I was contributing to your pain. After a few more minutes, you asked again, “When I take this job, are we really over?” You asked that through your tears. You sobbing is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen in my life. I buried myself in your pillow, looking away from you. I couldn’t stand to see your face as your heart continued to break. “Look at me,” you pleaded. “Let me see your face” I hesitantly lifted my face off the pillow without ever meeting your eyes. I didn’t feel like I deserved to look at you.

A few minutes later, I explained myself through whisper. “You understand, right? You understand why I’m hesitant about us?” I reminded you of PCN, of how much it sucked to not see you for 3 weeks. That was 2 months ago, when we were still kind of sort of dating (as opposed to now? I’m not really sure what our updated status is). If I couldn’t handle not seeing you for 3 weeks when I didn’t feel this strongly for you, what’s the next 5 months going to be like for me? Hell? I didn’t say that, though. All I said was, “Those 3 weeks sucked. I don’t think I can do that for 5 months.” Which was the truth; just not that whole truth, I guess. We both acknowledged the fact that our relationship’s strength lies in us being physically together, in holding hands, in laying in bed doing nothing, in falling asleep next to each other. Our best moments involve your arms around me, my fingers tangled in your hair, being so close to you I could feel my heartbeat against your chest and bounce back to me. 5 months of minimal physical time together will be detrimental to us – we knew that.

You started thanking me. “Thank you for everything. For being god to me. I learned so much from you.” You thanked me for things I don’t even remember doing, for things that I didn’t know meant a lot to you. “Thank you for driving to Wal-mart at 5 in the morning when I felt like I was dying… You did everything you could to make me feel better. No one has taken care of me like you have…. I’m never going to find that.” And I tried to be positive. “Yes. Yes you will. You’re going to find someone who’s going to take care of you and who will want to do the same things you want to do.” I don’t know why, but I felt like I was pushing you away. I continued, “I think we’re just trying to save the world in very different ways.”

My training has taught me to act composed and think logical in moments of crisis. So when we were having this conversation, I was being reasonable and almost clinical in my thinking.  New relationship + 4 hour distance = no good. It wasn’t until 24 hours later when I was home in Baltimore when the tears came. A friend texted me, “Is it sinking in now?” Yes, yes it was. It was sinking in, in a fetal position, crying so hard it was hard to breathe, 8/10 pain kind of way. Yes, it was sinking in that I’m going to wake up in the morning, knowing I will not see you in the near future. It was sinking in that I won’t be able to touch you for a long time once you leave. Yes, it was sinking in that we are ending this even before we actually start. And I didn’t know what to do. I knew that I didn’t want you to leave, but of course it wasn’t my place to ask you to stay. But at the very least, I wanted to keep this going. I wanted us to keep fighting for this. And then my friend texted, “I think deep down you already fell for him. You just don’t want to admit that to yourself yet.” And in that moment, I knew. I knew that I really liked you, that I cared about you more than anyone I’ve ever been with. I’m always the last one to figure out things like this, aren’t I?

You texted me goodnight, and as a Hail Mary pass, I replied, “Did you mean it? When you said you wanted to try to make this work?” I was ready to tell you that I want this to work. That I’m willing to try. I started to type up a message saying that everything in my experience and common sense, really, is telling me that we shouldn’t. But I want to, because I can’t imagine not having this – not having you, in one form or another – anymore. But it was your turn to break me. “Who knows, maybe you’ll meet a new dashing resident and I’ll meet a political event organizer who’s a total babe.” Like daggers. We agreed to meet and spend more time together to talk about this. But it seemed like you already had an answer.

I know it’s only 4 hours, that it won’t be impossible to make it work, but do we really have it in us to fight for this? Do we have a strong enough foundation to make it through this? What would be the smarter thing to do – to risk the budding relationship and power through, or try to be friends and wait 5 months from now and start over?

More importantly, what do you want to do?

It is necessary for this to be casual.

People ask me why things haven’t progressed yet. Why we haven’t progressed yet. It has been long enough, hasn’t it? But what is holding us back?

1) You’re leaving. We don’t know when, how, where to, what for, or really if ever. But odds are you’re leaving. And I can’t commit myself into something, into someone who I know is going to leave. What am I supposed to do with myself when you leave? If I give this and you everything that I can and want to, what will be left of me?

2) You keep saying yourself that we won’t last. That you won’t put money in us making it very far. That I shouldn’t prioritize you over my friends, because I’ve known them longer, and odds are they’ll be staying in my life a lot longer than you are. And you said it yourself. You’re not being pessimistic; you’re just being realistic. So again, why commit myself into something that will not last?

3) I’ve seen you at your worst. And your worst threatens to come out sometimes, and I’m not sure how to, and if I can, handle it. I just want to stop talking and stop listening, and go far away. Not really relationship material, this girl. I tend to bail.

4) It can get very, very complicated. We started this with the premise that we can’t do anything serious right now. That we both don’t want anything more than just having fun. I meant that, and I still do. If we call this what people want us to call it, then we’ll be asking questions. “Why can’t we hang out more?” “Why do we never have enough time together?” “Why does your sister disprove of this?” Things will get too real too fast. All the problems we’ve been shoving underneath the shallowness of just spending time together will all come out and engulf us. And I’m not sure we’ll survive that.

5) Maybe I’m just really not ready for it. You’re great. This is great. But I can’t have anything more than this, because maybe I simply do not want to have anything more. I want this, I want what we have. I want to keep doing things we’re doing. But maybe just not with you.

6) And maybe vice versa! I know that there are things we don’t agree on. There are things that I know you cannot stand, and even hate about me. There are things that we don’t see eye to eye on, and who knows maybe those things will eventually rip us apart. Maybe you’re better suited with someone else, also. Maybe you know this, too.

…Or maybe I’m just looking for a way out. Am I that broken? To run away from something, the only thing, that has remotely made me happy in a very, very long time.

It’s a lot to risk. It’s a lot to ask of me and of you. So can everyone blame us if we can’t define this yet? Whatever this is? So for now. let’s just keep this as it is: Casual.

 

Four Years Ago

I stumbled upon a letter I (apparently) wrote myself 4 years ago, when I was miserably trying to get into nursing school. And since it’s graduation season, I think it’s appropriate that I share a part of it.

“…I also hope you’re making a difference right now. Isn’t that the plan? Hasn’t that always been the plan? Get a good education, work hard, change the world? As someone once said, if you want to be a part of the forces of change our society so desperately needs right now, we need more than intellect and knowledge. In the heart of it are love and compassion, which will be the root of all the dreams to be transformed into action. It’s easy to lose sight of this. Please don’t. Do change the world. It’s going to be hard, but not impossible.

Pray. Pray big things. God’s listening. He’s in control. Always. Always. Always.”

To those graduating, congratulations! There is a life after undergrad, and it is freaking awesome. Scary, but exciting. Cheers to a new journey! 

I Don’t Know What This Is

It’s in the way you talk to me, all the time, texting and calling when you say you will. It’s in the way you drive almost an hour to come see me, just to sleep next to me. Not with me. Just innocently lie next to me for a few hours. It’s in the way you try so hard to reciprocate the concern I genuinely show, from catching me literally as I fall, to making sure I eat, to protecting me from sleaze bags in bars. It’s in the way you sing to me one of the most romantic songs I have listened to when I was growing up, in another language that you are very diligently trying to learn. It’s in the way you glance up at me in disbelief when you open your birthday present and realized that it’s not just what you wanted, but exactly what you needed. It’s in the way you tell me that you had a near magical day, and that I was a big part of that.

You do things and say things I have always dreamed someone would. I catch us doing things that are sickeningly romantic, for which me from 6 months ago would have mocked us. I catch us saying flirty and sweet things to each other, making me act like a school girl every time you sing things like, “My dreams fly me, to a place near Baltimore.” But I also catch myself smiling a lot more, laughing a lot more. I look at myself and I am happy.

I don’t know what this is. It’s been 3 months of actual dating, 6 months of talking, and I still don’t know what this is. I still don’t know what we are and what I want us to be. I don’t know what I want you to be. I have never been this uncertain about someone for this long, and that confuses me. Is this normal? Is this how it’s supposed to be? To cautiously walk into something, watching every step, taking very calculated risks, over-thinking every act? But at the same time just trusting that what happens happens, that there is no use forcing things and defining and redifining us. It’s a mixture of being unsure, but trusting that this feels right, at least for now.

That’s what we are. A balance of things, and always in sync. We’re always on the same page, and it surprises me every time.

I don’t know what to make of us, but I do know that when this ends, and it will end, a big part of me will be at  a loss.

On same-sex marriage

My friend Tyler sent me this text today.

“How do you as a Catholic come to terms with homosexuality. The church said bun in hell and actively campaign against marriages. You have gay friends and I imagine would happily attend their future weddings. If you could take it one step further: you being ok with homosexuality despite being born in the Philippines where bakla is an accepted comedy figure, but certainly not allowed to get married.”

And I responded with one of the longest emails I’ve ever sent anyone on my life:

 

This issue usually comes up when people realize that I have a lot of friends who are gay, and they ask me, “Would you ever go to their wedding?” And then it leads to the discussion of whether I’m against gay marriage.

There’s the short answer and the long answer.
The short answer, the TL;DR answer, is that of course I’m for it. I want people to be happy. Everyone should be able to love whomever they want for the rest of their lives, and they should get to celebrate that. Loving someone is such a rare occurrence, and who are we to deny someone that?
The long answer:
I know what the Church says, and we all know what the Bible says. But the thing is, there is no black and white answer. There rarely ever is. And this is something a lot of devout Catholics (that I know) continue to seek Truth about. There are things that ARE pretty clear-cut and black and white, but I don’t think this is one of them.
1) We don’t think gay people will go to hell. We don’t know who will go to hell, period. We can’t condemn people because that will be judging them, and that is something we should not do. Only God has the power and the right to do that when the time is right. Now the Bible does say who will inherit God’s Kingdom, but we as human beings do not know for sure who’s going to be in hell after death.
2) We do not hate gay people. We do not love them any less than we love any other person. I can’t speak for other denominations, but as Catholics, we are not taught to hate gay people, or anyone for that matter. If anyone who’s Catholic tells you that they hate someone because they are gay, then they are not Catholic. Because that is not what we believe. (Even long before Pope Francis told everyone this! Pope Francis merely reminded everyone.)
3) The Catholic Church, as you know, is all about Scripture and Tradition. So I understand the debate and the endless discussions and why a lot of people are conflicted about this. Tradition is something that is established by God Himself, something we can’t mess with. So I understand when people say that God intended a man to be with a woman. But I also understand that it’s not a choice to be gay. Scientifically, medically, it points to this theory. It’s not 100% proven yet, and I think that’s part of the reason why the Church still stands where it does now. A common belief is that it’s a phase/trial that will change with time. Or worse, it’s something that is wrong and can be fixed, like a syndrome. Either way, they are viewed as sinners (even if it’s not a choice – they are sinners who can’t help it), and that these “tendencies” are somehow a weakness. And what the Catholic Church teaches is that we are to love them as much as we love ourselves, and respect them like everyone else, and pray that they live righteously, meaning live in celibacy (pretty much).
Though I appreciate that more and more Catholics are being respectful about people’s sexual orientation, this is something that I still can’t fully understand. How am I supposed to love and respect someone, and deny them of one of the most beautiful aspects of life?
4) I think I’ve told you this before, so it might be a bit redundant (sorry!), but I think it’s necessary and very relevant to this topic. I told you about a book that I read, “Every Day,” and it’s about this being and how he/she wakes up in a different body every day. He/she calls him/herself “A”. “A” wakes up one day and falls in love with a girl. A continues to wake up in a different body every day (boy or girl) and is still in love with the girl. This reminds me of that  C.S. Lewis quote, “You don’t have a soul. You ARE a soul. You have a body.” This helped me understand that our bodies are merely outer shells, that yes, we are body AND soul and they come in hand in hand, but our souls are ethereal. They are little pieces of God, and they are what makes it possible for us to love. This is why animals (like our pets) do not have the ability to love, because they don’t have a soul. They get attached to us, but they do no truly love us. Our souls are what connects us to God. It’s our link to Him. (Animals do not have this relationship with God; they ARE a relationship with God.) So we, as human beings, are able to love because of our souls. Our bodies are important, but they really shouldn’t matter. We always talk about how two people in love don’t care about how the other looks, that if one day they look different, it’s not going to change how they feel, because they fell in love with the person. If that’s the case, then why does it matter if someone is male or female or identifies as something else?
5) Ok, this is now something that’s purely me, and I don’t know how other Catholics feel about this, and I will probably get into a lot of arguments about this. But the Bible is a really, really old book. And I’m not saying that because it’s outdated, it means it’s wrong. Because not all modern things point towards right things (and vice versa). What I’m saying is that the Old Testament is something that I have mixed feelings about. I know that some chapters condemn every day things like, women wearing pants, or getting a haircut. But these things were also associated with Pagan rituals and beliefs, that’s why they were banned. But I don’t really know enough about the teachings and the historical part of OT so I can’t really speak much about that… What I do know is what Christ teaches us. That many times, pharisees question Him and say that He is doing something that is the exact opposite of what the Scripture says. And Jesus just replies that He knows what they are taught, but now He is here, and this is how things should be (like working during Sabbath, stoning people to death, associating with sinners, etc).  But not once did Jesus even speak about being with someone of the same sex when He was on Earth! Not once. You know what he did say? “Love your neighbor as yourself.” and “Whatever you do unto my brothers, you do unto me.” and “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you,” His message of love is clear, and to me, that means treating other people the way I want to be treated.
6) The Church also has a very dark history. The ability of the Church to lay down what is true and we should believe (Magisterium) is still something that makes me uncomfortable. Having that much authority requires a lot of trust, and I trust the Church and its leaders. But like I said, we have a very dark history, and our leaders, no matter how Inspired they are (Inspired = moved and governed by the Holy Spirit), they are still humans. This is the same church that punished Galilee for saying that the Sun revolved around the Earth. (And it wasn’t until recently that we formally apologized for that!). What I’m saying is that the Church is still comprised of humans, and it will be difficult to reach a full understanding of love. It’s like trying to explain what music is using ONE song. Love is so much more than just one book, or one church. GOD is so much more than one church. Maybe I’m wrong about these things, maybe the Church is, I don’t know. But I stand by what I believe (for now, this is an ever-moving target for me, like a lot of things) because I know Jesus’ message of love. Having said that, no matter the question, I just go with one rule: love your neighbor as you love yourself.
So where does this leave us with same sex-marriage?
First, from what I understand, the Catholic Church doesn’t believe in the words “same-sex marriage.” It’s an oxymoron, because according to our Canon, “marriage” is a union between man and woman. So I guess by definition, it’s not something that can happen, again because it is something that is established by God. Now, as a human being who believes in the power of love, I think people can love and be with anyone they want to be with. As a Catholic, I believe that Matrimony is a Sacrament, an outward sign of God’s grace. Sacraments are done with God, through the priest, and us, being mere humans, don’t have the power to change any of that. If two people of the same sex get married, I’m not sure Matrimony really occurs, because by the nature of the Sacrament itself, the vows, the prayers, etc are tailored for a man and a woman. We didn’t design how it works, we just perform it.
I think if you ask most Catholics who are trying to find answers about this issue, they will agree that they won’t feel comfortable with two people of the same sex being married in a Catholic Church. And I 100% understand that. But a civil union, or a marriage through another church? I don’t see anything wrong with that. And I would totally attend that.
I don’t think you know this, but I did one of those things where you get ordained online. Haha long story. But anyway, those things are totally not legit (it doesn’t look like it?) but let’s say they were. A really good friend of mine from nursing school asked me that when she and her girlfriend were ready, she’s going to ask me to marry them. Haha. I’m not sure how serious she was, but if she did ask, I think I would do it. I would be honored to bring them together. So let’s pretend I did that, let’s pretend I ended up presiding over the ceremony (lol). The question is, do I think the Sacrament of Matrimony occurred? Of course not, because I’m not a priest and they aren’t Catholic and it’s going to be nowhere close to a Catholic wedding. But is there merit to what we did? Absolutely. It’s them sharing their vows, and telling the world they love each other, and that is enough. It’s similar to going to church with Faith (who’s not Catholic). There is no Sacrament, but it still means something, the message (of love) is still there.
As for being Filipino and gay marriage…
I grew up with a few gay uncles, and gay playmates etc. So it’s not like it was super taboo where we came from. But it is something that parents beat their kids up for because they think it’s wrong. As for me, I never understood what the big deal was. Every gay person I knew was cooler and funnier and more talented. Good for them! That’s how I thought about it. But I never really evaluated what it meant as far as marriage or relationships or regarding my faith.
Growing up, the only same-sex relationships I saw were between gay guys and straight guys, and girls in my school.
1) I went to an all-girl Catholic school (St. Paul College Pasig) until 7th grade. And for some reason, our campus was more open to same-sex relationships (or at least being attracted to the same sex) than other schools. For some reason, there were just more relationships. Don’t get me wrong, people still got kicked out if they were caught doing something inappropriate, but our school was kind of known for these things. So girls would crush on other girls, and start dating each other, or what would pass as dating in 6th and 7th grade haha. I mean, my first kiss (an innocent peck on the lips) was with a girl. (surprise! lol)
2) When I was a freshman, one of my good friends from college was scouting guys in the diner and said, “Who’s your friend? He’s really cute.” And my other friend said, “I know! But he’s straight.” and my friend replied, “I know.. They always are.” And I remember thinking, does it matter??? Because growing up, I just see gay people in ‘relationships’ with straight guys, purely to hook-up. Straight guys date them to get money out of them (I kid you not.) and that’s the arrangement that they have. So I actually have never been that exposed to many same-sex long term relationships that are based on love and commitment.
So I didn’t really have much experience or knowledge about same-sex relationships growing up. My Filipino culture really has very minimal influence on my beliefs when it comes to gay marriage (and other things), because again, most of it is just Traditional beliefs. We believe it because we’ve believed it for so long. Everyone believes it so we don’t feel the need to educate ourselves about these things and to defend it when necessary. Basically, I think me being Filipino has very little to do with my stand on gay-marriage.
This turned into a monster of an email. Sorry! I don’t think I’ve shared this much about my belief about something with anyone before. Also, I’m sorry if all this doesn’t really answer any of your questions. But like I said, this is something I still research on  and read about and talk about. I’m sorry I got super tired halfway through this so I’m not as coherent and articulate as I wanted to be. And can’t really keep my eyes open anymore, but I hope this kinda sorta helps a little!
Aaaaaaand sent.

Lord, I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders. †

I am not afraid of what tomorrow brings, because I know God is with me. It will be terrible and scary, but it’s going to be okay, because God is going to be with me. And I will be doing it for His children.

I want to help these kids so bad. I want to take their pain away. I want to help them breathe, and not seize, and not yell out in misery anymore. I don’t want them to be scared. I don’t want their parents to be frustrated. I want these kids to be cured. But that’s not possible all the time. All I can do is to fix what’s wrong right now. And that drives me nuts. 

Yes, I almost missed lunch. Yes, I almost didn’t pee. Yes, I was dehydrated. I was frustrated, I was yelled at, I felt like an idiot. But if all these means they got what they needed today, and the doctors are one step closer to making life a little easier for my kids, then I will happily do it. Again. Every day. No questions asked. 

These kids deserve to be happy. And pain free. One dad said to us that he believed in heaven. That he knows in heaven his daughter can walk, and talk, and sing, and see. I believe that. This kid deserves that. She deserves to have a life with God, without pain and fear and misery and any illnesses. And one day her parents will meet her there, and they will see how happy and well she is.

I feel passionate and called to sing up to be a part of their care team. I want to be with them, in their suffering, in their pain. God made me to be a nurse for a reason. He put me in the PICU for a reason, and I know I can do it if I am smart about it. This is God telling me to step up to the challenge, asking me to take on greater battles, so I can take better care of these kids. 

And I will do it happily. But Lord, please, please help me surrender.

13 Ways You Know You’re Dating A Grown-Ass Man

So. Freaking. Accurate.

Thought Catalog

Grey's AnatomyGrey’s Anatomy

1. You know where you stand. You are his girlfriend or you are a girl he’s dating but either way he’s not scared to define it. He’s not afraid that a girl will cry and run away if she doesn’t hear what she wants to, he wants a mature woman because he is a mature man.

2. You don’t have to prod him to become a real adult. He’s self motivated to improve on his own. If there’s an area of his life that needs improvement, he’s working on it long before you notice it.

3. Texting with him is peaceful. Sometimes you have conversations. Sometimes you make plans. But it’s never a power struggle of who initiates and who texts lasts. It’s not fishing for compliments or security. It’s simply a short form of communication.

4. He calls his mom. You don’t need to tell him to…

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I don’t think I’ve had that many procedures at the bedside in my 10 months in the Peds ICU… combined. But God was watching over me today, sending help when I need it.

Intubation, cardiocentesis, failed femoral line placement, IJ placement, desat and brady so bad that I had to hit the code button, travel to go stat CT, bilateral thoracentesis with chest tube placement, and significant hypotension because he’s pretty much going into septic shock. ALL IN ONE SHIFT.

Oh and back for more tomorrow night. Yay.

 

So I came in and my 6 month old patient with no past medical history is  on Vapotherm, 15L 55% FiO2. Still tachypneic to 60-70’s and pretty significant work of breathing, with belly breathing, head bobbing, and subcostal retractions. 

After rounds around 1000, we put him on 20L 50% on VT. The kid didn’t really improve. We did a chest x-ray and it showed pretty significant opacity around the heart. We did an echo and it showed a lot of fluid around the heart. And then we did an ultrasound with the cardiologist and confirmed the pericardial and pleural effusions. This kid is at a huge risk for obstructive shock – cardiac tamponade to be specific. So they decide to get he fluid out. At the bedside. Great. (Isn’t this what the OR is for?!)

Around 1100, we started to intubate. Pretty much went without a hitch. Took a long time to stabilize the tube, he desatted a few times but everything went ok. See, when intubation is the easiest part of your day, you know that’s a shit day.

Around 1300, we started to prep for the cardiocentesis. The cardiologist performed the tap and pulled lots of purulent fluid. Definitely something growing there. 

At 1400, an attending and a fellow attempted to place a line in him. They tried to get a right femoral central line, but couldn’t do it. After an hour and a half, they gave up and settled for an IJ.

Around 1545, the respiratory therapist was rearranging the vent. Then my kid started desatting to high 80’s. So I started bagging. He came back up so everything was ok. And then he started to desat again. I bagged but he wasn’t coming up. Then he started to brady to 90’s. (He’s been sitting 110-140’s). That’s when I hit the code button, and of course everyone (and I mean everyone) rushed to my side. But then he started coming back up, we got good ETCO and good bilateral breath sounds. So at least I know he didn’t self-extubate. Because that happens to my kids. A lot. -_-

Around 1630, we headed down to stat head CT. That was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Trying to carry a baby from his crib to the CT bed with all his lines, pericardial drain, and his ET tube was not fun. But thankfully everything went ok. 

We got back to the unit at 1700, and then immediately started to prep for bilateral thoracentesis and chest tube placement. An attending, a fellow, and a nurse practitioner all did the procedure and it went well. 

Around 1830 though he started to be really hypotensive, more than he’s been all day. So we finally bolused him with albumin (after tons of NS boluses all day).

Aaaand before I realized it, it was 1900 and time to give report. 

Yeah. That. Holy ajfniekjnfvzmd. I was shaking and tired and overwhelmed. But people were so great and helpful and thoughtful. I could not have survived without everyone’s help. The best part was that everyone was so understanding and was so encouraging. Just when I feel like I’m about to crash or get too overwhelmed, someone comes up to me and tells me I’m handling this incredibly, impossibly, unrealistically busy day well. And when I haven’t eaten, gone to the bathroom, or sat down in a very long time, and I want to scream and cry and go home, hearing encouraging words is really the only thing that keeps me together.

Today was hard, but that’s Pediatric ICU nursing for ya. God was definitely by my side all day today, and so were my amazing coworkers. I couldn’t be more thankful.

ENFP

Your personality type has been calculated as ENFP. Extroverted, intuitive, Feeling, Perceptive

The description of this personality type from Wikipedia is:

ENFPs are initiators of change, keenly perceptive of possibilities. They energize and stimulate others through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in fluid situations that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma. They tend to idealize people, and can be disappointed when reality fails to fulfill their expectations. They are easily frustrated if a project requires a great deal of follow-up or attention to detail.
Image
_____
Your temperment is sanguine. The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. Sanguines generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence._______________

The Enneagram Type Indicator Sampler Results
(RHETI Version 2.0)
Questionnaire Date: 12/1/2013 12:06:24 AM

Type 1 Type 2 Type 3 Type 4 Type 5 Type 6 Type 7 Type 8 Type 9
2 6 6 4 4 5 4 1 4

These same results reported in a histogram.
Type 1
Type 2
Type 3
Type 4
Type 5
Type 6
Type 7
Type 8
Type 9

 

Type One
The Reformer
The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

Type Two
The Helper
The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Type Three
The Achiever
The adaptable, success-oriented type. Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best:: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.

Type Four
The Individualist
The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Type Five
The Investigator
The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Type Six
The Loyalist
The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent “troubleshooters,” they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Type Seven
The Enthusiast
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Type Eight
The Challenger
The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others’ lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.

Type Nine
The Peacemaker
The easy-going, self-effacing type. Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually grounded, supportive, and often creative, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent and emotionally distant, simplifying problems and ignoring anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all- embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.