Good things come to those who wait

I’m all for being proactive and giving nothing less than my best, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, it’s just not going to happen. That happened with my family moving to the US, with me getting into nursing school… both happened but not according to our timeline. But they happened, and honestly, it was better that they came late. I wouldn’t be as financially, emotionally, and mentally ready for nursing school if I had gotten in at my ideal time. But that’s the thing, though. It was MY ideal time. It was ideal according to me. But what the hell do I know?

I want things for the future. There are certain things I have a timeline for. But I can’t control that. When it happens, it happens. I just really pray to God that it’ll be worth it.

And here comes the dream.

It’s quotes like this that makes me want to join the Peace Corps. Or Doctors without Borders. This is why I want to be a doctor or a nurse practitioner. I want to go somewhere and help people. I wanna help those people who have no one else to help them. How can I live blissfully here when I know there are so many other things going on outside my comfort zone? Yes, sometimes I just want a quiet life. A laid-back life. But I was blessed with these opportunities, with the gift to care about other people, with the burden of compassion for those in need. I need to make the best of this. For them.

Throwback!

Freshman year of college seems so long ago. There was this guy who I was friends with and barely anyone could stand him. Now that I think about it, he was a more obnoxious version of Barney Stinson. I do miss him though. And all the shenanigans he would do, say, and make-up. And the way he would use the word ‘shenanigans.’

Get cape. Wear cape. Fly.

My entire life I always had someone to look up to. I’ve always needed a mentor. I needed to have someone I can line myself up behind. Friends, teachers, parents… Anyone who inspired me became my hero. Now, I’m running out of people. I’m not saying I’m not surrounded with amazing inspiring individuals. But I feel like sometimes I do have to inspire myself. On my own. I have to motivate myself. I have to dig deep and use the smallest things to keep me going. I have to keep myself strong. I have to inspire myself. It doesn’t sound like much, but it gets exhausting. Especially when I’m already everyone else’s cheerleader. I run out of happy and peppy too, you know.

Anticipatory

Almost always how I feel. Hopefully this will change. It’s a bit depressing.

Utter joy, I suppose.

Well, when I got the call from UMB School of Nursing that I got in, I cried. Multiple times. I wanted to hug strangers. I wanted to call everyone. I wanted to dance. And that was just when I thought my life was beginning. School of Nursing is one of my dreams, but I’ve got bigger ones. And I don’t know how it will happen, when it will happen, and with who, but I know and hope it’s going to be great.

It’s not exactly black and white.

“There are people who have said that I’m being brave for being openly supportive of gay marriage, gay adoption, basically of gay rights but with all due respect I humbly dissent, I’m not being brave, I’m being a decent human being. And I don’t think I should receive an award for that or for merely stating what I believe to be true, that love is a human experience not a political statement. However, I acknowledge that sadly we live in a world where not everybody feels the same. My family and I will help the good fight continue until that long awaited moment arrives, when our rights are equal and when the political limits on love have been smashed.”

I know what I should believe. Or at least what’s written and what is preached. I’m not going to repeat it just because it’s a long explanation, but the point is, I know it by heart. I understand it, meaning I don’t just blindly say what my stand is because it’s what the Church is saying. (And they don’t even know exactly where to stand! Ugh – different discussion altogether.)  

So I know the dogma, and I get where they’re coming from, and I get it that it’s not really black and white… but I still don’t know exactly where I stand. But if I had to choose, I’d be for gay marriage. I can’t imagine denying people the most basic human experience. I’m a romantic – I’ve idealized love as the only perfect thing humans can experience. Who am I to strip someone of that gift? What person has that right?

And I know that the Church is not fully answering this question because they believe that, too. They love gay people as much as they love everyone else. But there’s a whole congregation world wide riding on their backs. They can’t just make a decision based on what a few people think is right. I get that they need a basis for what they’re peaching. It’s not exactly a technicality. Just something to base their teachings on. Basically they’re sticking to what they know, that God established marriage for a man and woman. They don’t know why, they don’t understand the meaning behind that (do we ever?) but it’s covenant that was made in the beginning. It’s a God-established tradition. (and ‘tradition’ not in a sense of “we’ve been doing this a long time, let’s keep doing it.” But in a “God started it this way, there’s a reason for that, let’s respect it.”) The Church, for lack of a better term, is playing it safe. 

So I don’t really know how to end this post. Confusion prompted this, and confusion will wrap it up. But I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, there’s one rule that trumps all rules: 

Love others as you love yourself.

And based in this, I just want people to be happy. So yes, if one of my gay friends wants to get married, of course I’ll be there! I’ll freaking give a toast if they want! 

that’s the dream, right?

I guess every girl wants to be called beautiful. But must it come with the stigma that she’s crazy? Or bitchy? Why can’t someone be beautiful (or beautiful enough? that’s another discussion.) and be normal? Or fun? Or sane? I supposed every girl thinks she’s sane. But as we all know, bitches be crazy.

Anyway, I didn’t want this to be a dark, grudgy, woe-is-me kind of post. I guess how he said it was cute. It reminded me of this guy from my English class. I may or may not have posted about it, but it went something like this:

(talking about PSYC334)
Me: Yeah, it ‘s a cool class. We learn about relationships. And dating. And all these random things you don’t think about, but proven by science. Like, it’s been shown that beautiful people generally smell better!
Josh: Yeah, I guess I can see that. I mean, you do smell really good.

Bahaha how do you respond to that? I think that meant more to me that I had realized at that time. I’m not interested in him at all, but it’s nice to be called beautiful once in a while. Or once, ever. 🙂 

summary of college

Let’s see.

Freshman year – some studying, some partying, a lot of hanging out and goofing around = SLACKER

Sophomore year – a lot of time with friends and a ton of studying = ZOMBIE

Junior year – adequate sleep, a lot of work, a shit fucking ton of studying = NERD

I need to be able to defy the laws of physics. At least in my senior year of college. I need to get it right!